Saturday, March 9, 2013

5 Types of People I Never Want to Meet at a Party

The above post should probably be sub-titled 'Confessions of a Lightweight'. I'm not a big drinker or even a particularly entertaining drunk. Alcohol tends to exaggerate my randomness and organisational skills, neither of which are particularly welcome at parties. It's probably why I am normally the sober Susan....I just don't need alcohol to have fun.
We celebrated my boyfriend's birthday a couple of weeks ago, having drinks and nibbles at home before we went out at the unearthly time of 1am. By this point it was already past my bedtime and  I was clearly over my alcohol tolerance level (so one beer and a wine then....).
With my inner 'oddball' now firmly on the outside, I decided it would be a fantastic idea to give all of his German friends an English middle name. I may have also been unfairly sarcastic...
Guest One: What cheese is this? (gesturing to expertly made cheese and pineapple hedgehog)
Me: English cheese. It's called 'Red Leicester' (looking proudly at snacks)
Guest One: Where is it from?
Me: England.
I maintain though that my behaviour when 'tipsy' is still much more civilised then most of the world's population. Here are the Top 5 drunk people I hate to meet on a night out.
1. Personal Space Invader
When 'clubbing' there is never very much space, but the general rule is that you should leave enough room for people to dance, even if it's only the side to side shuffle. The Personal Space Invader will be the person who stands within an inch of you, despite there being a clear gap elsewhere. Not only that, they tend to barge you out of the way - no matter if that means separating you from your friends. They also specialise on treading on your feet, over-reacting when you then try to recommence dancing and blocking you from the bar/toilet/exit route...anything.
2. The Shouter
I understand that clubs are noisy places. The music is loud (and the quietest spot to dance is always by the speaker) and people are 'singing' along, trying to hold conversation and generally raucous. That does not mean, Mr Shouter, that you need to yell straight into my ear like you are trying to stop a small child from crossing the road in front of a bus. The general rule I find is if you put your mouth right next to someone's ear and speak normally then they will always hear you.
3. The Human Drink Tray
You know this person. This is the person who tries to carry at least six drinks, single-handed, right across the centre of the crowded dance floor. The person who carried them, not on a tray, but over their head in a kind of weird chandelier of catastrophe. They are also the person that WILL trip over something on the way and turn into a human sprinkler as they hurtle to the ground showering everyone with sticky, cheap shots. It's not even funny that someone fell over. Low intelligence is never something to laugh at.
4. The Humper
We all know this person, whether male or female. The gyration lottery is bound to be lost at some point with someone in your group. Not to confused with the Personal Space Invader, this person will usually appear during urban songs, shaking their money-maker like they've only just discovered it. This would probably be fine if it wasn't happening up and down your leg. The Deluded Humper is a sub-set of this. These people will just about hump-up on anyone, whether or not they are clearly with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Seriously, what's up with that?
5. The Enforced Fun Police
These people mean well. You can tell that they like people to have fun. It's just that they only accept that people are having it if it's done THEIR way. This person will wave drinks in your face if you are not holding one, grab you and start moving you like a giant puppet if you stop dancing for more than 3 seconds and persistently ask if you are alright. After all, you're not standing too close to someone, carrying too many drinks, deafening you friends and making suggestive dance moves - you can't be having fun right?
Now you might be thinking that if I consumed a little bit more alcohol that I wouldn't notice all this and would not be such a grumble-bum. Well, if I was ever at the stage where I could tolerate this behaviour than I would be off jogging somewhere. The urge to exercise (my form of insanity) starts at the point when the party people above are just warming up.
Like I said, I'm not your average drinker!
So, can you put up with drunk people when you're out and about? Are there any other drunken sorts that should have been in my Top 5? I'd love to hear from you!

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Georgina Castellucci said...

This post is so hilarious - I have experienced each and every one of these fun suckers and agree COMPLETELY!

Laura said...

So true,I'm a non drinker mainly because the only effect it has is to make me sleepy! I generally try to avoid clubbing as clubs generally seem to attract large numbers of people suffering from stupidity!

FrugalFoodieMama said...

Bahahaha! Man, this post just reminded me of how much I do NOT miss my clubbing days... at all. ;)

deanna@delirious-rhapsody said...

the stripper? the girl who only has a drink or two and decides that she should be dancing on the table.

Cocalores said...

The last one is the worst! I, myself, tend to be somewhat of a human drinks tray... (at home, too) ... but I hardly ever spill anything!

Loved this post - you spent your afternoon well! ;-)


Alison said...

Hahaha, I am a non drinker because so many of my friends when we were teenagers were outragous drunks and I never wanted to be like that!


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